he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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