All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
