Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
