he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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