apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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