I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
