you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
