My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
