I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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