Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
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