I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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