That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize