I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
and you fell through a lawn chair
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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