I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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