I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
