He asked me if I "almost moaned"
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I wish there were birth control emojis
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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