He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
