I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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