Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
