it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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