I'm so fucking centered right now
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
