Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
