I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
