youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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