What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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