Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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