he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Randomize
