Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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