Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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