someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
