tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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