I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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