Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
