you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
