i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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