it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
