The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize