You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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