When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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