she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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