you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
