On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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