U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
