I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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