My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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