I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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