I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
