I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
