After last night, I could never be a politician.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
