I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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