I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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