watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
