you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
