i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
