I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
