just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Even my vagina gasped.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
