Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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