Cold hands, warm shart.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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