We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
