do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
