"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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