I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
