Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
