My first STD was from a foam party
I wish I only lived at night.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
