cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
