i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
