im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
