I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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