ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
